Lamb Embryos
by Onyx Sprita
Summary: Alice Edgley has suddenly acquired two new boyfriends, but not everyone is as happy about it as she is. Crackish, will probably contain Fletchyrie at some point.
1. Unexpected Reunion

Valkyrie Cain had had some pretty strange and disturbing days. She'd seen her friend nailed to a chair, she'd been technically dead for twenty-four hours while a crazed surgeon removed her heart, she'd seen her reflection being shot. But she felt she could safely say without exaggeration that those things paled in comparison to the strangeness and disturbingness of that cold November afternoon.

The irony was that it _should_ have been completely normal and ordinary. She was on her day off, relaxing with her family in the living room. Alice, now sixteen, was at HMV where she worked, but they were expecting her home soon.

'You know, Steph,' her mum remarked, an amused glint in her eyes as she peered at her daughter over her cup of tea, 'I swear you get younger every time I look at you.'

Valkyrie let out an uncomfortable laugh. She was thirty-two by this stage, but still looked eighteen. She and Alice, who actually was eighteen, looked like twins. She frequently caught her parents casting her puzzled glances when they thought she wasn't looking, but this was the first time either of them had ever broached the subject directly.

'Um, lamb embryos,' she responded.

'Lamb embryos?'

'That's my secret. You get them injected into your face and they make you look young again. It's common sense really. Replacing old cells with new ones. Anyone want some more tea?'

Without waiting for them to answer, she picked up the teapot and hurried back into the kitchen without a backward glance, her heart still beating too fast. _Relax, _she told herself. _Crisis averted._

She was refilling the kettle when the doorbell rang. 'I'll get it,' she called to her parents and went to answer the door. She saw who was standing there.

She screamed.

The person standing on her doorstep - or, at least, one of the people standing on her doorstep - screamed too.

Alice wedged her foot in the door before Valkyrie could instinctively slam it. 'What's wrong?' she asked, alarmed.

For Alice was one of the people standing on her doorstep.

'What are you doing here?' Valkyrie croaked, her eyes fixed on the boy standing beside her sister, drinking in his appearance. He stared at her, too, with an expression of utter shock and horror on his face. 'What's going on?'

'Do you two know each other?' Alice demanded.

The boy dragged his eyes away from Valkyrie and replied slowly, 'We have some history.'

'What? That's not possible. You told me you were nineteen. Stephanie is thirty-two. How could you have history?'

'He meant history in the platonic sense,' Valkyrie said quickly. 'Fletcher, what are you doing here?'

Fletcher - yes, it was Fletcher - didn't meet her eyes. 'Val, I really am sorry... I had no idea she was your sister.'

'What are you sorry about?' Alice said. 'I don't get it.'

Valkyrie ignored her. 'It doesn't matter whether you knew or not,' she addressed Fletcher, voice shaking with anger. 'The fact is, you're thirty-four - '

'Wait, what?' said Alice.

' - and you're going around picking up eighteen-year-olds and lying about your age like some kind of creepy paedophile!'

'I still _look _like a teenager,' Fletcher protested. 'And I swear this doesn't happen on a regular basis, it's just, I met her at HMV a few weeks ago and we were talking and she - she reminded me of you.'

'_How_ are you thirty-four?' Alice repeated, her voice getting higher.

'I'll go now,' said Fletcher, but then they heard voices from behind Valkyrie.

'Stephanie?'

'Alice?'

'Is something wrong?'

Desmond and Melissa emerged from the sitting room and stared at them.

'You look familiar,' Melissa said to Fletcher.

'I remember you!' said Desmond. 'You used to be Stephanie's boyfriend, the one with the demented porcupine hair!'

'Manners, Desmond,' Melissa muttered, then looked more closely at Fletcher. 'Wait, you're right! It _is _him!'

'Uh, hi,' said Fletcher awkwardly. 'It's great to see you again.'

'You haven't changed at all,' said Melissa.

'No, really,' said Desmond. 'You haven't changed at all. You must be in your thirties by now and yet you still look eighteen. Why is that?'

'Lamb embryos,' said Fletcher. 'Everyone's doing it.'

'I must try that,' Melissa murmured to herself.

'You won't regret it,' Fletcher assured her.

'Can someone _please_ tell me what's going on?' said Alice, reduced to pleading. No-one answered her.

'Look,' said Valkyrie, finally taking control of the situation, 'this is all just a huge misunderstanding. Right, Fletch?'

'Yep,' said Fletcher. 'I was just leaving anyway.'

'Don't you want a cup of tea?' asked Melissa.

'No, he doesn't,' said Valkyrie.

'Well, if you're sure...' said Melissa.

'I am sure,' said Fletcher. 'Bye.' He waved to them all and then practically ran back down the path. When Melissa, Alice and Desmond weren't looking, he turned around and mouthed 'Call me' at Valkyrie, then vanished.

'Well, that was odd,' said Melissa. Alice looked furious.

'_What_ is going on?' Alice hissed at her sister.

'Nothing,' said Valkyrie once her parents were back inside the house and out of earshot. 'Look, I'm sorry about Fletcher. He's a creep. He shouldn't be allowed out on the streets. I was just doing you a favour.'

Alice looked hesitantly at the door. 'But he seemed really nice. And he didn't _look_ thirty-four...'

'LAMB EMBRYOS.'

'... I don't get it. Did you two used to be together or something?'

'A long, long time ago, yeah. But it doesn't even matter any more. Promise me you won't ever speak to him again.'

'All right, then,' said Alice doubtfully.

'Good girl.' Valkyrie smiled, then went up to her room. Alice stood in the hall, pondering.

The next evening, Alice Edgley heard a strange noise in her back garden. She opened the window. A pale, dark haired boy stood there, looking up at her.

'Um,' said Alice. 'Who are you?'

The boy smiled. 'My name is Caelan.'


	2. Breakfast

**So I've decided to continue this :D It was only intended to be a one-shot, so I don't have much of a plot yet, and when I do it will probably be crap. But, erm, yeah. I'm continuing anyway. For the craic. **

**Alice is coming across a bit bimbo-ish... I'm sorry! I think she'd probably be a bit naive compared to Valkyrie, so yeah.**

Alice couldn't help grinning as she bounded down the stairs for breakfast. She had had a very... interesting few hours in the garden with Caelan last night - sure, his confessions of love had been a bit unexpected and creepy considering she'd only just met him, but he was a _very _good kisser. _What a stroke of luck to find him less than a day after losing Fletcher_, she thought happily. _I must be irresistibly attractive._

Then: _I wonder what he was doing in my garden?_

She shrugged the strange thought off. It was quite romantic really - very Romeo and Juliet. _He must reeeeeally love me, _she inwardly sang as she skipped into the kitchen.

Stephanie, who was standing waiting for her toast to pop, looked up at her as she came in. 'Wow,' she said. 'Someone's in a cheery mood.'

'Oh, you know,' said Alice in a deliberately vague tone of voice. 'Love and what not.'

Stephanie frowned. 'You're in love? With who? Oh God, it's not Fletcher, is it? Please tell me it isn't Fletcher...'

'No, no,' said Alice, sitting down and pouring herself some cereal. 'He's like, _your_ age.'

Stephanie frowned again. 'Are you saying I'm old?'

'If you're injecting lamb embryos into your face, then yes. You're old. I'm sorry.'

Stephanie gave a good-natured huff as she sat down beside her sister. 'Well, you have to admit - I do look beautiful for my age.'

'Spose,' said Alice, shovelling cornflakes into her mouth.

'So who are you in love with?'

'You have a one track mind.'

'Stop trying to change the subject,' Stephanie said sternly with her mouth full of toast. 'I know you're dying to talk about it.'

Alice smirked. 'Well, okay. I'm not going to tell you his name, though.'

'Aww. Why not?'

'I'm allowed have secrets.'

Stephanie rolled her eyes. 'Seriously though, Al, you and Fletcher only broke up yesterday. How did you manage to fall in love with someone else in such a short space of time?'

'Ah, I'm not in love really. It's more like lust.'

'Just tell me who he is!'

'He was in the garden last night.'

Stephanie paused with her toast halfway to her mouth. 'Eh, what?'

'I heard noises outside, so I went to the window and there he was.' Alice sighed dreamily. 'He is _sooo_ gorgeous. And an amazing kisser, and he - '

'Let me get this straight,' Stephanie interrupted. 'You woke up in the night to find a complete stranger standing in the garden waiting for you, so you went _down _to him and the two of you _snogged?_ Can you say _idiot_?'

Alice dropped her spoon, affronted. 'He didn't do anything to me. He was really nice. I think he probably knew me from somewhere but was too shy to talk to me, so he decided to do a Romeo and sneak into the garden 'cause he knew I'd find it romantic!'

'Alice, there is nothing romantic about that. _Nothing. _Who are you? Bella Swan? He'll be watching you sleep next! In fact, he probably already has!' She pushed away her plate and stood up. 'You've made a serious error of judgement, and I think you should call the guards.'

Alice stared. 'Whoa, Steph, calm down. He's not a stalker. I can look after myself, okay? You're overreacting.'

Stephanie sighed and made a visible effort to compose herself. 'Okay. Fine. I'm not in charge of you, but I _do _think you should talk to this guy and tell him to stop sneaking into the garden in the middle of the night. Will you do that?'

Alice nodded, just to humour her.

'Okay,' said Stephanie and gave her a hug. 'I'm going to work,' she said as she swept out of the kitchen.


	3. Outside HMV

It was Valkyrie's day off, so she'd decided to go down Grafton Street and have a look in the shops, something she hadn't done in about two years. The Alice incident had disturbed her, as had several other things in recent times, but she figured a bit of retail therapy would cheer her up a bit.

She was coming out of HMV when someone who hadn't been there a minute ago collided with her on his way in. Valkyrie stepped back and started to apologise, until she got a look at his face and realised she knew him.

She sighed. 'Oh, hello, Fletcher,' she said acidly. 'Fancy seeing you here. In HMV. Where my little sister works. What a coincidence.'

Fletcher blushed. 'Sorry. I just thought maybe I should talk to her... you know, to explain myself.'

'Well, if you want her to take you back, you're too late. She's apparently in love with someone else... some mysterious stalker who sneaked into our garden last night.'

'Oh,' he said dejectedly. 'Why do I always lose the girls to mysterious stalkers?'

She smiled. 'It probably won't last.' Then her face turned stern again. 'That's not to say you can have her when Mysterious Stalker Guy disappears off the scene.'

To her horror, Fletcher actually looked disappointed.

'Fletcher!' she shrieked. 'We used to babysit her together! You went to her christening! You gave her her bottle!'

'Well, when you put it like that, it sounds creepy...'

'You're eighteen years older than her!'

'Well, sometimes I forget I'm in my thirties,' Fletcher said. 'I mean, when you look in the mirror every day and see this gorgeously young-looking face...'

'How far did you go with her?'

'Valkyrie!'

'She's my little sister! I have a right to know!'

'Not far,' said Fletcher. 'I swear. We barely even hugged. It was just...' He sighed, and looked sideways at Stephanie. 'I missed you. I've missed you ever since we broke up and that was like fourteen years ago. Ghastly said it would go away, that I'd forget about you eventually, but I haven't. Is that normal?'

Valkyrie was silent for a few moments, then said, 'Probably not.'

'I knew I had no chance of getting you back,' Fletcher went on, 'so I just figured, I have to get on with things. I told myself I'd find someone else like you and then I did. Alice really isn't that much like you personality-wise, but the eyes... I don't know. I wanted to be with her because it was like the next best thing to being with you. So in a way, I haven't actually moved on at all.'

Valkyrie didn't say anything.

'I'm embarrassing myself,' Fletcher said miserably.

'Fletcher, we're not getting back together.'

'I know. I know. I'm sorry.'

'Fourteen years is a bit unhealthy.'

'Yeah.'

'I mean, I haven't even thought about you once in the past decade.'

'Really?'

'Well, you do tend to pop into my head whenever I pass the hair gel aisle in the supermarket, but apart from that, nothing.'

'That's nice to know. I thought you at least still liked me as a friend,' Fletcher said, sounding slightly hurt.

'I do, but we haven't been in contact for ages and ages. You moved to Australia to get away from me, didn't you?'

'Can you blame me for that?'

'No, but you also can't blame me for not being in love with you.'

'I never said I _did _blame you.'

'Yeah, well... this conversation is starting to confuse me. Fletch, you _will_ find someone else. You don't need me. _Or _my little sister.'

'I do, though,' Fletcher insisted. 'It's like...'

She waited.

'It's like _Snily_,' he said dramatically.

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow. 'You're comparing yourself to Snape?'

'You know, because Snape loved Lily and she never loved him back, and then she died so he went out with her little sister... no, wait, that's not right.'

'Fletch, I love you, but to be honest I think you're more like my older brother than anything else.'

Fletcher looked horrified. 'Your older brother?'

'My hot older brother, yes. Who I haven't seen in over a decade.'

'We dated for two years!'

'That was a very long time ago. Listen, I just don't fancy you and I really think that us getting back together would be a bad idea. Ditto you getting back together with my sister. I'm sorry.'

There was a long silence, and then Fletcher looked at the ground. 'Okay.'

'I'm sorry.'

'You just said that.'

'I know, but I thought I should say it again.'

Fletcher looked at her. His eyes were a stunning shade of green. She'd often thought that if magic had a colour, it would be the colour of Fletcher's eyes. They stared at each other for a few moments, then he looked away.

'In that case,' he said, 'I'd better go.'

'Are you going to keep in touch this time?' she asked.

'Don't worry,' he said. 'I'm not going far.'

'Can I get a hug?'

He looked at her calculatingly for a minute or two, like he thought she was planning something, then evidently decided her intentions were good and pulled her into his arms. She thought she could smell Alice's perfume on his jacket, but decided she was just being paranoid and shrugged it off.

'I'll miss you,' she said awkwardly.

'I'll miss you too.'

'No hard feelings?'

He tilted his head. 'Well, I wouldn't say _that..._ but for the most part, we're good.'

'Good.'

'Well, see you,' he said, taking a step back.

'Bye,' she murmured.

He walked out of the shop.

**A/N: Ohai.**

**I do apologize for all the Fletchyrie-ish stuff... It's just... I can't help that I ship it with all my heart... *quietly retreats into corner to sob into cushion* Death Bringer crushed my soul pairing-wise.**

**Anyway, don't worry. I might not have any Val pairings in this at all - just Alice getting off with everyone. I can't do plot, so I don't know.**

**This chapter was going to be longer - there was going to be another Alice bit, but I decided to leave that for the next chapter because I think more chapters = more impressive xD Even if the chapters are pathetically short. Ah well.**

**And thank you so much for the reviews! They make me squee like a fangirl on fangirl tablets :DDDD**

**And sorry about this ridiculously long author's note that is almost as long as the story. I have a tendency to ramble.**

**You can leave me some suggestions for future chapters if you like :) It would help me a lot. Really.**


	4. The Rack of Love

**SHITE.**

**I uploaded the same chapter twice and it's taken me, like, a month to realise. I am actually so dumb. Sorry!**

**Anyway, here's the REAL chapter... I hope this makes up for my idiocy xD**

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><p>Alice reached the end of the pier and looked around. There didn't seem to be anyone there and she frowned, but then she heard someone behind her and she turned. It was Caelan.<p>

She smiled. 'I thought maybe you weren't coming.'

Caelan fixed her with a dark, intense gaze, the evening sunlight making his perfect cheekbones glow. 'For you,' he murmured, 'I would go to the ends of the earth.'

Alice smiled again, in what she hoped was a modest way. Caelan pulled her close and kissed her, then let go of her and fixed her with another intense gaze. She wondered vaguely if his eyes were hurting. He was probably putting quite a lot of strain on them.

'Alice,' he said, 'I need you to make me a promise.' He took both her hands in his.

'Your hands are pretty cold,' she noted. 'Sorry, what was that?'

'I said,' Caelan repeated, 'I need you to make me a promise.'

'Yes?' said Alice patiently, waiting for him to snog her again.

'I can't tell you what it is yet,' Caelan went on, 'but I need you to make it to me anyway.'

Alice frowned. 'You're not one of those insurance scam people, are you? Because if you are, you're wasting your time. I'm not going to sign anything. I don't even have any money - I spent it all on false eyelashes in the shape of trees.'

Caelan gave her a dangerous, irresistible smile. 'I don't want you to give me anything except your eternal love.'

'Er... eternal?'

'Yes. I want you to promise me you'll love me forever.'

'Can I say that I'll _fancy _you forever? Because love is a bit strong.'

Caelan frowned. 'It's a strong emotion. That's what's so magical about it. Alice, my darling, you and I could be the greatest love story of all time. Greater than Romeo and Juliet.'

'Romeo and Juliet was about a three-day relationship between a fourteen-year-old and a seventeen-year-old that resulted in six deaths,' Alice pointed out. 'There is nothing great about that. Also it rambles on about pilgrims and gnats a lot. I fail to see how that is romantic.'

Caelan's beautiful face clouded over like a beautiful painting with clouds in it. 'But Romeo and Juliet's love for each other was so passionate and amazing.'

'Yeah, but they only knew each other for like a day, and then they got married, and Juliet was probably pregnant at that stage anyway - I doubt they had contraceptives back in those days - so even if she didn't die she'd probably have ended up on _Fourteen and Pregnant, _or whatever equivalent of that they had in Shakespearan times, so I can't say I really envy her to be honest.'

Caelan looked as if she had trampled on his soul, so she tried to quickly salvage the situation. 'Anyway, never mind. Are you up for the shift? I'm wearing coconut lipgloss!'

'Maybe tomorrow, my love,' Caelan said broodingly. 'Right now, I need to go off and wank. I mean, think. Farewell, darling... parting is such sweet sorrow.' He looked at her pointedly over his shoulder as he walked away. 'That's a Romeo and Juliet quote, you know.'

'I know,' said Alice. 'I studied it in second year.'

He huffed and strode off with all the predatory gracefulness of a jungle cat. She watched him admiringly, then realised he was probably in a bad mood with her. _What did I do? _she thought, confused. _All I did was insult his favourite play... Ah well. If he dumps me, I can always get back with Fletcher again. It's great to have options._

Three hours later...

'Hi, Alice,' said Stephanie as she walked into the kitchen, tossing her coat onto the ground. 'Have we any Nutella?'

'No, it's all gone,' said Alice. 'My mysterious lover dumped me.'

'Well, at least you had a good run,' said Stephanie comfortingly, sticking her head in the fridge. 'How long were you together - a day?'

'And a half.'

'Not bad. What about marmalade?'

'Huh?'

'Have we any marmalade?'

'Stephanie, I am being tortured on the rack of love and all you can think about is... spreadables!' Alice burst out.

'Whatever,' said Stephanie. 'No, we don't have any marmalade either. Damn those lazy cows.'

'Marmalade doesn't come from cows,' Alice pointed out, folding her arms.

'Well, "damn those lazy oranges" doesn't quite have the same effect. Anyway, I thought you weren't serious about this guy?'

'It doesn't matter,' Alice muttered sulkily. 'I'm going up to my room.'

She trudged upstairs to her bedroom and turned on the light, only to realize that there was someone sitting on her bed.

She was about to scream when she realised it was Fletcher. She exhaled loudly, her heart thumping like mad. 'How did you get up here?' she hissed. 'You almost scared me to death!'

'I'm sorry!' Fletcher hissed back. 'I was just wondering if there was any way I could persuade you to take me back.'

'Well, here's a tip - acting like a stalker is _not_ the way to go!'

'I thought girls liked stalkers!'

'Only when it's done subtly! Anyway, you're like five hundred and eight.'

'Actually, I'm thirty-four.'

'What_ever._ Get out.'

'Wait,' Fletcher insisted, and stepped closer. Before she could protest, his lips met hers and they were kissing again, and her brain seemed to go numb, unable to focus on anything other than kissing him back. They pulled apart, flushed and breathless.

'I'm sorry,' Fletcher whispered, looking stricken. 'I shouldn't have - '

She cut him off with another kiss, and felt his arms go around her. His kisses were much nicer than Caelan's, she thought dreamily. Maybe that coconut lipgloss hadn't been such a waste after all.

And then they heard footsteps coming upstairs.

'I'd better go. Call me,' Fletcher whispered, squeezing her hands before jumping out the window and climbing down the fire escape. She watched from her window in amazement, then turned away when she heard Stephanie coming into the room.

'Hey,' said Stephanie, handing her a letter. 'This just came for you via carrier pigeon.'

Alice stared at her. 'What?'

Stephanie shrugged. 'I have no idea who it's from, but I'm guessing it's your "mysterious lover." Teenagers are so weird nowadays.'

She left, and Alice opened the letter, her brain spinning like a sock in a washing machine.

_My dearest Alice, _

_I have forgiven you for insulting Romeo and Juliet earlier. My love for you will last forever, and minor disagreements like this are like a drop of water that falls on a rose, or something - they don't matter, and they will never get in the way of our love._

_You still haven't made me that promise. Please meet me tomorrow night, same time, same place, and we will work things out._

_I love you._

_Caelan_

Alice groaned.

'Oh God,' she said out loud. 'What have I gotten myself into?'

**A/N: Muahahahaha.**

**Has anyone got any idea where things are going to go from here?**

**Because I don't.**


	5. Something Worrying Happens

**This is really short, sorry :(**  
><strong>Also, if anyone's confused, I accidentally uploaded chapter 4 twice but that's fixed now, so if you haven't read chapter 4 yet, then, erm, you can if you want to :L<br>****(This is chapter 5 btw... just so everyone is clear xD)**

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><p>Alice was alone in the house, eating breakfast, when her phone rang. It was Fletcher.<p>

'Hey, babe,' he said. 'Where are you?'

She smiled. 'I'm at home.'

'Alone?'

'Yep.'

'Can I come over?'

She pretended to mull it over. 'I suppose you can,' she said.

'Great, I'll be right there.'

Alice looked down at herself and realised she was wearing her Rugrats pyjamas. She let out a little shriek and rushed upstairs, where she had a shower, put on something casual yet sexy, did her makeup and fixed her hair, then rushed back downstairs again. Fletcher was sitting on the living room couch. She stopped dead.

'You got here quick,' she said.

'Yeah, I've been here for the last twenty minutes,' he said airily.

She frowned. 'How did you get in?'

'Er, the door was open.'

'Actually, I'm pretty sure it - '

Before she could finish, however, his lips engulfed hers and she forgot what she'd been about to say. His arms went around her waist, her fingers tangled in his hair. The kiss deepened, and she bit down slightly on his lower lip.

'Valkyrie,' he moaned.

She pulled away from him. 'I'm sorry, what?'

He stared at her with a dazed look on his face. 'Did I say something?'

'You said Valkyrie.'

His face paled. 'I did?'

Alice's eyes narrowed, and she stepped towards him. He instinctively took a step back. 'Who's Valkyrie?' she asked.

'It's - it's - it's you,' he blurted out. 'Valkyrie... Valkyrie is Scandinavian for Alice.'

'Scandinavian? Is that even a language?'

'Swedish. I meant Swedish. I'm part Swedish, did I ever tell you that? Sometimes I think in Swedish, that's why I called you Valkyrie. It's Swedish. That's what it is.'

She thought it over, then finally decided to let him away with it. He was too damn good at kissing, and anyway, he wasn't the only one dating two people at once.

'Okay,' she said. 'I believe you.'

He relaxed, and smiled, and she wound her arms back around his neck.

It was late evening, and Valkyrie was coming home in the Bentley. Skulduggery tilted his head towards her.

'Are you alright?'

She sat up straighter. 'Yeah, I'm fine. Why?'

'You look troubled.'

She sighed. 'I'm worried about Alice.'

'Why is that?'

'I don't know,' said Valkyrie. 'She just - ' She trailed off, and her eyes drifted towards the window. 'Is that Caelan?'

They were passing the pier, and there was a dark figure standing at the end of it.

'I thought you killed Caelan,' said Skulduggery.

'So did I,' said Valkyrie.

They stared at each other. Skulduggery parked the car.

'Wait,' said Valkyrie. 'What are you doing?'

'Just a spot of detective work.'

'I'm coming with you.'

They got out of the car and Skulduggery strode down the pier, Valkyrie following. But before they reached the end of the pier, Caelan turned to look at them, then jumped off the pier and into the cold, inky black water with a dull splash. They stopped.

'Uh,' said Valkyrie. 'What the hell was that?'

Skulduggery peered into the water. 'For once,' he said, 'I have no idea.'

Valkyrie's hands flew to her mouth. 'Do you think... do you think that when I killed him, he somehow came back to life as a sort of... new, improved Super-Caelan? Who can't be harmed by salt water?'

'As ridiculous as it sounds,' Skulduggery said, 'I can think of no other explanation.'

'Bloody hell.'

'Indeed.'

'What should we do?'

Skulduggery paused. 'I think we should wait and see what happens next - unless, of course, you feel like diving down there to find him.'

'I don't feel like doing that.'

'I didn't think so. Back in the Bentley, then. We'll go to China's and do some research on... new, improved Super-Caelans.'

She nodded and followed him back to the car, but she couldn't stop glancing over her shoulder towards the end of the pier.


	6. Where The Hell Is Alice?

When Skulduggery dropped Valkyrie home from China's library (where they'd found out nothing - she wasn't there), it was seven o'clock and the rain was pouring down relentlessly. Valkyrie jumped out of the Bentley and ran across to her house, wishing her coat had a hood. She fumbled with the lock on the front door, then flung it open, tossing her coat onto the floor as she walked in. Her parents were on holiday in Gordon's villa in France. How she envied them.

She wrung out her dripping hair. Alice was supposed to be home, but there was no sign of her. "Alice?" she called, but there was no reply.

Assuming her sister had gone out somewhere, Valkyrie kicked off her boots and went to her room to change out of her wet clothes. When she came back, she looked around to see if Alice had left a note, but she hadn't. She tried calling Alice's phone. No reply.

Admittedly, Alice wasn't the kind of person to think of leaving a note or even remembering to bring her phone when she went out somewhere, but that didn't stop the worry beginning to creep into Valkyrie's mind. She went into Alice's bedroom. Alice's phone was on her bed, and her purse was sitting on the desk, indicating that she probably hadn't gone shopping (or she had, and forgotten to bring the money). And her coat was hanging from the door handle. It had been lashing rain since midday, which meant that Alice must have left before the rain started (otherwise she would have brought her coat - even Alice wasn't that scatterbrained) and therefore had been gone for seven hours. Without her coat, her purse or her phone. Valkyrie's natural paranoia started to kick in.

She picked up Alice's phone and used it to ring all of Alice's friends. None of them knew where she was. Valkyrie was starting to panic when she noticed a familiar name on Alice's contacts list. Fletcher. She frowned. She'd told Alice to delete his number.

After a quick mental debate with herself, she decided to call him. Fletcher answered on the first ring. "Alice?"

"No, it's me, you tosser," she snapped.

"Valkyrie? Is that you?" There was a short pause. "Why am I a tosser?"

"I _told_ you to stop seeing Alice! Why hasn't she deleted your number?"

"How would I know? I _have _stopped seeing her. I swear!"

"You're lying."

Fletcher sighed. "Okay, fine. Fine. I saw her earlier today. I'm sorry."

"You are so lucky we're not in the same room right now," Valkyrie said angrily. "I would have hurt you so bad. Why can't you bloody leave her alone? Don't you understand how dangerous this is? I _don't _want Alice coming into contact with _anyone _from the mage world! _I can't risk her finding out! _And then there's the fact that you're twice her fucking age - "

"Didn't bother you when you were seeing Caelan," Fletcher interrupted coldly.

"Look, the point is, I told you to stay away from her and you didn't! How would you feel if she died just because you couldn't control your - "

"She wouldn't _die_. Look, I've been really careful. She almost caught me teleporting this morning, but I had a completely flawless cover story, honest. There's no way she'd ever find out, and if anything bad did happen, I'd keep her safe, you know I would."

"Can I ask you something? When you're busy snogging her, do you ever suddenly get a flashback to when she was a baby and you were feeding her her bottle?"

"You and Caelan - "

"Stop bringing that up, it's completely different. Was Caelan my ex-girlfriend's little sister? Did Caelan go to my christening? Did Caelan babysit me when I was little?"

"No, but he could easily have. He was a hundred years old, for God's sake, _and_ he was a vampire, so that's probably worse, don't you think? I mean, who would you rather have Alice date? Me, or Caelan? At least you know _I'm _not going to pounce on her and suck her blood..."

"I'd rather she didn't date _either _of you! Look, I'm older now, okay? I was just a stupid teenager when that thing happened with Caelan. You're thirty-four. You should know better."

"Listen, you don't control Alice's life. She's eighteen. She can make her own decisions. If she wants to be with me, then that's none of your business. Why do you even care so much?"

Valkyrie's blood was boiling. "She's my little sister! I want her to be safe! I've told you all the reasons why I don't want you to go out with her and they're all perfectly good reasons! I wouldn't expect _you _to understand that... it's not like _you've _ever had a family..."

There was suddenly dead silence on the other end of the phone, and Valkyrie knew she said the wrong thing.

"Fletcher?"

"Forget it."

"Look, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter. You're right. Of course I don't care about Alice's safety or wellbeing. Of course I only care about myself. Why wouldn't I? I'm such an inconsiderate, selfish scumbag that I couldn't possibly give a shit about your little sister's happiness."

"Fletcher, I'm sorry..."

His tone softened. "Val, I care about Alice, okay? If you really want me to stop seeing her, I will. But she's an adult, she's dating me out of her own free will, I'm not forcing her into anything, you know I'd never hurt her, you know I'd never be dumb enough to reveal magic to her... I mean, you were fine with me knowing your parents when we were still dating, you weren't worried _then _about them finding out... If she's happy with me then what's the problem? Are you jealous?"

"_Jealous_?" Valkyrie spat before laughing somewhat hysterically. "Eh, _no. _Why the hell would I be jealous? Do you think I still have _feelings _for you? Oh, that's funny."

"Okay, okay," said Fletcher, sounding slightly hurt. "No need to be harsh. It was a just a thought."

"Well, you can forget about it," she said brusquely. "Listen, I called you because I don't know where Alice is and I thought she might be with you, but she isn't, is she?"

"No," said Fletcher. "I was with her this morning at your house, while you were at work, and then I left because I had to go to the dentist."

"The dentist?"

"Yeah... Teleporters need dentists too, you know..."

"I can't imagine you at the dentist's."

"Well, anyway, she said you'd be home at five and that she was going to stay and wait for you."

"Well, she didn't. She's not here."

"Maybe she went out to the shops?"

"Well, if she did, she didn't bring her purse. Or her phone. Or her coat. And she'd need her coat in this weather."

"Why, is it raining where you are?"

"Yeah... where are you?"

"Italy."

"Fuck you."

"It's twenty-eight degrees here."

"I don't care."

"Do you want me to come and help you find Alice?"

"Yes."

"Okay, then. Be right there."

She hung up, then tossed the phone onto Alice's bed. A framed photograph on Alice's bedside table caught her eye. It was of Alice's christening - baby Alice in her mother's arms, surrounded by Desmond, Beryl, Fergus, the Toxic Twins, and a younger, happier Valkyrie. Valkyrie exhaled suddenly, tears coming into her eyes, as she remembered the first time she'd held her baby sister. She couldn't lose Alice. She couldn't.

"Val?"

She looked around. Fletcher was standing awkwardly in the doorway. "Are you all right?"

She nodded, lowering her head to hide the tears in her eyes. It had been a long time since she'd last cried. Crying was embarrassing.

He hesitated, then seemed to think, "Screw it," and he came over and hugged her. "We'll find her," he murmured. "Don't worry."

"Don't even know where to look," she mumbled into his jacket.

"She can't be too far away."

She felt her resolve return, and she pulled away from him. "Then why are you delaying? Come on, we need to find her!"

He smiled. "Okay, where we going?"

Seeing Fletcher had jogged something in her memory, and she remembered earlier that afternoon, and a figure jumping into the sea. Something clicked in her head, and she frowned.

"The pier," she said, and took his hand. "We're going to the pier."

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><p><strong>AN: Sorry about all the pointless conversation in this chapter... but don't worry, the drama is starting xD**

**Also, this is officially the penultimate chapter! I have the last one already written, but it'll be two weeks or so before it goes up because I'm going away to a wifi-less place tomorrow :(**

**Well anyway, I hope you enjoyed that... probably not, though xD**


	7. Revelations and Car Fresheners

**A/N: LAST CHAPTER :DD**

**The new, improved is confusing and scary.**

**Also, wasn't the KOTW preview chapter AMAZING? The start made me die laughing... poor Val :L  
><strong>

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><p>After Fletcher had left to go to the dentist, Alice remembered her letter from Caelan. She took it out of her jeans pocket - it was so crumpled now that she could barely make out the words - and reread the last line.<p>

_"You still haven't made me that promise. Meet me tomorrow, same time, same place, and we will work things out."_

She looked at the clock. It was nearly time to go. She got to her feet, stretched, did a few lip exercises - too much snogging could really take it out of you - and spritzed herself with perfume before going out the door and heading to the pier. She didn't bother to bring her coat - the rain had faded to a drizzle.

As she walked, she wondered what he could possibly want. She hoped the promise wasn't a promise of marriage. As hot as Caelan was, he definitely wasn't husband material, and anyway she wasn't planning on marrying until she was at least forty-three - or possibly not at all. Alice had her future all planned out. She was going to be promoted to assistant manager of HMV - not manager, that would be far too stressful - and live in a posh flat in Dublin 4, where she would do as little housework as possible. Caelan did not quite fit in with her plans.

When she reached the pier, Caelan was standing at the end, his trademark intense stare burning into her eyeballs. She gave him a wave then leaned in for a kiss, but he stepped out of the way, which was unusual. The rain suddenly started to pour down again, and Alice regretted not bringing her coat.

"The promise, my love," he murmured. "I need you to make me the promise."

"Let me just say this now," said Alice. "I'm not going to marry you."

"It's not marriage," said Caelan, "although that will come later." He smiled a smile so creepy that she felt compelled to step back. "I want you to promise that you'll be mine and no-one else's until the end of your life, and that you'll always do whatever I say."

"I can't promise that," said Alice.

His smile dropped and he stepped forward, and suddenly she was scared. "Yes, you can," he growled.

_Okay,_ thought Alice. _This guy is a nutcase. I'll just tell him what he wants to hear and then get the hell out._

"Okay," she said. "I promise."

Caelan's creepy smile returned. "Excellent. And I will need one thing from you to seal that promise."

"What's that?" she asked warily.

"A drop of your blood."

Fear turned her blood to ice. "My _blood_? Are you nuts? What the hell do you want my blood for?"

"I told you," Caelan murmured. "To seal the promise."

"I really don't know about - "

Caelan gripped her hands so tightly she thought the blood supply was going to be cut off. "You don't have a choice."

_Oh Stephanie,_ thought Alice miserably, _you were so right about him. Why didn't I listen to you?_

She struggled to free her hands, but his grip was too strong. "Okay, fine," she said desperately. "You can have the blood, just let go of me."

The smile on Caelan's face now was borderline psychotic. He let go of her hands, effectively freeing her, but she knew there was no point in running. Caelan moved like a jungle cat. He would be far too fast for her.

He pulled a penknife out of his pocket and Alice closed her eyes in terror, waiting for the pain to arrive, but it didn't. She kept her eyes closed, waited another few seconds - still no pain. She frowned, wondering what the problem was, but she still didn't want to open her eyes.

Then she heard her sister's voice say, "Alice, you can open your eyes now."

So she did.

Caelan was lying unconscious on the ground, and Stephanie and Fletcher were standing over him. Alice stared.

"When did you two get here?"

They looked at each other. "Erm, we've been here the whole time," said Stephanie.

"Hiding," said Fletcher.

Alice wasn't convinced, but she didn't want to ask any further questions, because the look on Stephanie's face told her that she was in quite a lot of trouble.

"Explain," said Stephanie.

Alice sighed. "You know that guy I told you about - the one who was in the garden in the middle of the night? And you told me I should call on the police on him?"

"Yes?"

Alice looked at Caelan. "Well... that's him."

Stephanie shook her head, and Alice could tell she was furious. "Fucking Caelan," she muttered.

"Wait," said Fletcher. "I thought he was dead?"

"So did I," said Stephanie. "Skulduggery thinks he might have somehow come back to life, as a brand-new Caelan who isn't allergic to salt water, but he doesn't know how."

Fletcher looked at Caelan's unconscious form. "He pongs a bit," he observed. "Like... air fresheners."

Alice had noticed the air-freshener smell around Caelan as well, but she'd assumed it was some kind of pine-scented aftershave. However, further investigation by Stephanie proved that Caelan in fact had three car fresheners on a necklace around his neck.

"Well, that's a bit odd," said Stephanie, taking them off him. As soon as they were gone, a foul smell rose up to meet them all.

"Oh God, that's disgusting," said Fletcher. "It's like rotten eggs."

"And rancid meat," said Stephanie, wrinkling her nose. "Wait a minute... that's the zombie smell."

Fletcher frowned. "He doesn't look like a zombie."

"Zombies?" said Alice. "Are you seriously talking about zombies? Like they exist or something? There's no such thing as zombies! And why did you think Caelan was dead? And why would he be allergic to salt water?"

They both ignored her. "Someone clearly brought him back to life as a zombie," said Stephanie. "And then what? He went after Alice?" She raised her eyebrows at Alice.

Alice shuffled her feet. "We were kind of on the meet since that night in the garden. I don't have a clue what all that zombie stuff is about, though."

"So you cheated on me," said Fletcher.

"Well, actually," said Alice, "I was seeing him first, so technically I was cheating _with _you. Does that make you feel better?"

"No," muttered Fletcher.

"Well, you and me weren't really dating in the first place, were we?" said Alice somewhat desperately. "We were just meeting up for the occasional snog, that's all."

Fletcher sighed, and Stephanie looked at him sympathetically and slid her hand into his. He smiled at her. It took a moment for Alice to absorb the fact that she had now lost both of her two mega-hot boyfriends. She scowled. What a crap day this was turning out to be.

"Sorry, Fletcher," she said. "I didn't know it meant that much to you."

But Fletcher's attention was on Stephanie. He wasn't even looking at Alice.

"Your hair looks nice today," Stephanie said to him without a trace of sarcasm.

He grinned. "Thanks, Valkyrie."

Alice, who'd been about to storm off, stopped mid-storm and turned around. "You're Valkyrie?" she asked her sister.

"Um, yeah, that's my... nickname," said Stephanie.

Alice glared at Fletcher. "So you're _not _part-Swedish."

"Part Swedish?" said Stephanie/Valkyrie. "What?"

"He said your name when we were making out," Alice said coldly. "I was just a replacement for Stephanie the whole time, wasn't I?"

"So?" said Fletcher. "You're the one who was cheating on me."

Unable to argue with that one, Alice asked, "So are you two together now?"

Stephanie actually blushed, but didn't answer, and Fletcher shrugged.

"Fine," said Alice. "You two go on and live happily ever after. I'm going to be the assistant manager of HMV. I don't need love or anything."

She stalked off.

Valkyrie spluttered with laughter. "She can be so childish."

Then she turned to kick Caelan's still-unconscious zombified body into the sea. "There. He won't survive that a second time."

"Thank God," muttered Fletcher, and Valkyrie turned to him.

"So," said Valkyrie mischeviously, "you were thinking about me, huh?"

"Shut up," he muttered, blushing but smiling. "I _did_ tell you that the family resemblance was the main reason I started dating Alice. I'm not proud of it, but I do feel slightly better about it now I know that she was cheating on me all along."

She wrapped her arms around his neck. "So now that you no longer have the subsitute Valkyrie, how would you like the real thing?"

He smiled. "I would like that very much."

"Excellent," she said and leaned in to meet those lips she'd been thinking about ever since he'd turned up on her doorstep with Alice two days ago.

And then they vanished.

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><p><strong>Yes, I know... lamest ending ever xD But still... at least it's finished!<strong>

**Naturally, it was Thrashgrace who turned Caelan into a zombie. They saw his extremely photogenic corpse and realised he'd look great in their hipster photographs. But he ran away while they were squabbling over the camera and found his way back to Valkyrie's garden (because that is his true home).**

**Sadly I didn't manage to work in some Fletchlan (otp 4 lyfe) but I hope you enjoyed it anyway xD Thank you so much for all your reviews, you're all amazing :DD**


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